FOR months, we’ve all been told the New Year will be a bright new dawn and everything will start to get better.
Right. So are you reading this in the pub with your mates?
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We’ve all been told the New Year will be a bright new dawn and everything will start to get better but you still can’t sit in a pubCredit: Athena Picture Agency
Is the virus on the run?
Are you having some tasty British cod this evening, washed down with some proper English wine?
Are the police herding those benefit cheats at the end of your road into a windowless van?
Has the stockmarket soared to new heights?
Are the streets full of happy, smiling people singing I Vow To Thee My Country?
I hate to say this, but 2021 will make 2020 look like a walk in the park.
I do not see the lockdown ending for weeks or maybe even months.
And through winter I cannot even begin to imagine what that will do to us.
It was one thing being locked up in the spring, when the sun shone and it was warm.
It’s quite another to be in forced hibernation when the temperature never gets above 1C.
And the sky makes you think you’re living in a Tupperware box.
I’ve been locked away for two weeks now and already I’ve drawn up plans to buy a 3D printer so I can make a gun.
Many are pinning their hopes on the vaccines, but I believe they will only provide protection for a very short period of time.
I also think Brexit will cause problems we haven’t even thought about yet.
And I believe the damage to our economy as we continue to fight an unwinnable war will be catastrophic.
Will there be any light relief?
Well, ever since Boxing Day, travel companies have been carpet-bombing the commercial breaks with holiday destination ideas.
But the truth is, you won’t be going anywhere this summer.
The endless threat of new travel restrictions will make it too risky.
And you won’t be able to afford it anyway.
Not after you lose your job.
Which you will.
You’ll be forced to sit at home watching TV, which will be soul-destroying, as you watched all you wanted to watch last year.
And nothing new has been made.
Doubtless you’re being encouraged to give up drinking and get fit for January.
But is that what you want?
To break off from trying to home-school the mobile phone-holders you call your kids, so you can drink water and do push-ups?
Just thinking about that makes me want to take up heroin.
We were told in the first lockdown that some quiet time once in a while does us good.
That we will be refreshed if we occasionally sit in silence and concentrate on being “in the moment”.
But when I sit in silence on my own, all I can ever think is that I would rather be “in the pub”.
But that’s not going to happen any time soon.
We won’t be seeing our friends.
We won’t be seeing the sun.
And while we will be able to enjoy some British cod, we’ll know it was caught by a French trawlerman.
WE read this week about a British boffin called Clifford Johnson who’s employed by Hollywood production companies to make sure the science in science-fiction films isn’t complete rubbish.
He’s the man who makes sure algebra written on a blackboard in the back of shot makes sense and that the material used to make Thor’s hammer is a theoretical possibility.
A British boffin wants Hollywood to make sure the science in science-fiction films isn’t complete rubbish, pictured Star Trek’s Mr SuluCredit: Alamy
Well, now I have a job for him.
When a spaceship is under attack in any space-based action movie, the screens always say the same thing: “SYSTEMS FAILING”.
And I always think, “What systems?”
And how can they be fixed, especially as the screen which Star Trek’s Mr Sulu needs to do that is being used to tell him they’re failing.
An e-scooter rider in London’s Hyde Park was done for drink driving and having no insuranceCredit: Getty Images – Getty
Happy Christmas to you too, officer.
AS Harry and Meghan want to remain private, I have not listened to their new podcast.
WHO in their right mind would force Abbey Clancy to delete sexy holiday snaps taken while she enjoys some winter sunshine in Dubai?
We’re told it’s “inappropriate” for celebs to be enjoying themselves when mere mortals are stuck at home.
Model Abbey Clancy was slammed for posting pictures of her family holidayCredit: Instagram
But I’ll tell you what, if I’m going to be stuck at home, Abbey in a bikini makes a refreshing change from that talking turtle who does the coronavirus charts on telly every evening.
Hmmm. I wonder if they’ve thought it through.
The Royal Navy has started to test an unmanned drone boatCredit: Getty Images – Getty
Because I fear they will encounter the same problems that normal people will face when they buy a driverless car.
You send it into town to do your shopping.
It finds its way very well, finds a parking space . . . and then what?
It goes into the shop? I don’t think so.
A call had gone out for the plane to be intercepted by fighter jets, to escort it to the ground.
The ski resort of Verbier gave holidaymakers 24 hours notice of a new lockdownCredit: AFP or licensors
But there was a problem.
It was 6.02am and the Swiss Air Force did not start work until 8am.
Italian and French fighters were used to escort the plane, and the Swiss were left looking very foolish.
Especially when they went on to say their air force does not work at weekends either.
Or for 90 minutes a day at lunchtime.
This week, however, the Swiss announced their air force now has two jets on round-the-clock cover.
But I still don’t think their heads are in the right place.
Because when the authorities in the ski resort of Verbier gave holidaymakers 24 hours notice of a new lockdown, they were “surprised” when all the British visitors leaped into their cars and buggered off.
LIKE a good boy, I downloaded the NHS Track and Trace app when it came on stream back in the summer.
Today, it’s still scanning the surrounding area 24 hours a day, ready to alert me if I come into contact with someone who’s infected with Covid.
The NHS app should alert me if I come into contact with someone who’s infected with Covid but it hasn’t noticed I had the virusCredit: Reuters
Which is odd, because two weeks ago I caught Covid and it’s been in my pocket ever since, not noticing.
A POD of blue whales no one knew about has been detected by marine biologists at work in the warm waters of the Indian Ocean.
They are very excited and say they must now stay in the area to do more research.
Scientists have discovered a previously unknown pod of blue whales in the Indian OceanCredit: Getty Images – Getty
It makes me wonder.
Could there also be a pod of blue whales in the Humber Estuary?
I guess we will never know, because “marine biologists” don’t do any research there.
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