Ellen says heterosexual relationships need to be a balance of masculine and feminine energies (Picture: Ellen Schultz/SWNS)
A relationship coach has caused a stir online – by claiming that men don’t want to listen to their partners’ opinions.
Ellen Schultz, 48, known as @drellenlovecoach on TikTok, is a self-described love coach who uses her platform to provide advice on how to be ‘a happy wife with a happy life’.
She uses her platform to make videos about relationships – with a particular focus on how to be ‘a happy wife with a happy life’.
In one of her recent videos, she claims that men don’t want to hear their partners’ opinions on world affairs or politics, and it can make women more powerful to stop engaging in debate with their husbands.
‘There’s a couple of different ways to look at this as it’s quite a complex approach really – it’s not what you’re saying, it’s how you’re saying it,’ says Ellen.
‘A lot of women through societal programming, feminism, and their childhoods feel a need to break out of oppression that has absolutely occurred – they have been suppressed, mistreated, abused and come through decades and decades now of fighting the patriarchy and misogyny.
‘Little girls are taught they have to be tough which is true, but by the time we get into our twenties and beyond we have this real strong kind of armour which says, “don’t mess with me, I’m tough, I’m sassy, I’m fierce”.
‘Then when we find ourselves in a romantic relationship we are unconsciously emasculating and disrespecting the man as we have become quite masculinised and they have become feminised – they don’t know what their role in the relationship is anymore, men don’t know and women don’t know.’
Having previously achieved a PhD in applied theatre and worked as a drama therapist, Ellen decided to turn her hand to relationship coaching after undertaking her own research following a series of failed relationships.
She began posting relationship advice online and swiftly turned the role into a side hustle – and just before lockdown hit in 2020, she decided to because a full-time love coach.
She adds: ‘Women do find themselves extremely frustrated – she’s doing everything, planning holidays, scheduling, working full-time, taking care of the house and this started in the dating period when she was organising dates, picking him up and buying him presents.
‘It’s our energies and behaviours that are perpetuating it and pushing him away’ (Picture: Ellen Schultz/SWNS)
‘They find themselves in a Catch 22 role and it’s quite hard to find yourself back in the feminine role – we don’t understand why we’ve ended up with this man who is not a go getter and we’re asking why he’s lying on the sofa playing video games all the time.
‘It’s our energies and behaviours that are perpetuating it and pushing him away – a masculine man is going to argue back and he wants to be right.
‘We want to be able to find our vulnerability and show this to our man in a way that will inspire his devotion to us, causing him to step up into a masculine leadership role.’
Ellen, from Belfast, Northern Ireland, began looking into the relationship dynamics between men and women following a series of heartbreaks throughout her twenties and early thirties.
As a fan of Sex and the City she says she was influenced by the ideas on the show and believed she should be able to find a devoted partner just by going out, and together they could live happily ever after.
After becoming a single mum in her twenties and again in her early thirties, she began to wonder what the issue was and began using books, online courses, and webinars to find the missing pieces in her relationships.
‘It comes down to masculine and feminine energies,’ she says. ‘If you have two masculine energies in a relationship it can cause a lot of conflict and competitions, we need the polarity for chemistry and passion and when it’s not there it can become a dull, boring, living with your roommate vibe and this is when affairs can happen.
‘We have a mother energy, we’re his boss, his secretary, his CEO and a lot of the time we’re so full of opinions towards what he wears, eats, and who he’s friends with, that we’re just being incredibly forceful.
‘Most men love a woman who can speak up for herself and who has a voice, it’s something a man is really attracted to but not when it’s directed against him which is what happens.
‘There’s a lot to do with self-worth here as well – really opinionated women want to be right and have the last word, but you don’t always have to have the last word when talking to your husband about something.
‘Often these women have trauma and low self-worth – our nervous system is very activated and we don’t feel safe within ourselves but trauma healing and inner-child healing can help.’
A big caveat to Ellen’s advice is that she says it does not apply to women in abusive situations.
‘If there is any physical abuse, get out and get help straight away – there are a lot of grey areas in abusive relationships, seek professional guidance and help,’ she says.
‘The issue is that the crux of my work can be controversial and provocative.
‘Of course, your husband does want to hear your world views and opinions, we want to be able to have these long philosophical discussions, but because the woman is in this defensive competitive dynamic with her man it can spiral into a conflict very quickly.
‘While on a collective basis women are fighting the patriarchy, on a personal level women are also fighting with their husbands and fathers.’
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